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Monday, August 24, 2020

MTE

It just sucks because we had something beautiful and you ripped it away. You threw a grenade, and there's no going back. 

I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I've never felt as connected immediately to anyone like I did with you. 

It's because in all of our lifetimes of finding each other, we are soulmates, we're just not meant to be and that's something I'm coming to realize. 

What you did to me was not a reflection of how you felt about me and honestly had nothing to do with you, or us or anything. It was a demon you were fighting inside of yourself. Something that you needed to get out. A pain that you needed people to hear. And it was hard for me to understand how you could treat the person that you love in the ways you did. I didn't realize that it was something you couldn't control. 

I didn't realize how sick you actually were, and I'm sorry for that. In my naivety, I exacerbated a lot of the issues between us because I didn't fully understand what I was dealing with, and that's my fault. 

Of course I wonder what if you didn't do this...would it pop up later on down the line? Were we just delaying the inevitable? What if you never threw everything away?

When it first happened, I was so broken. I just, tried to make sense of it in my head. I tried to make sense of why you would throw everything away. We had such a beautiful life. Why? And I guess that's something I'm going to have to come to terms with that I'll never understand fully what you were going through. I'll never really understand what trauma was going on in your head that caused you the need to do what you did. That may never compute. That's okay. I may never make sense of what you did, I just need to cope with it. And so this is my swift kick in the butt that this wasn't the life I wanted and the universe knew that. They intervened and told me they had something else in store for me. 

So thank you for that. Even after everything, I feel like there was a reason that this happened. It will be a really good learning lesson for me. There will be a lot of tears, there will be a lot of confusion, anger, hurt and sadness, but it's for the best. I need to work on myself. I need help. I need to talk to someone. It's time to work on me now. 

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Yours

I want to be yours.
I want to be missed by you each time we part.
Lusting for you even when we are together.
Passion and intimacy off the charts.
When you ebb, I flow.
Primal, yet delicate.
Our connection is undeniable.
You want to be mine.
You want to shout to the world that I am yours.
You accept me for me.
Mind, body, & soul.
You're the fire and I'm the ice.
Together, the possibilities are endless.

Monday, January 20, 2020

I Wanna Live Forever

I thought about you today. It's been awhile so it surprised me when it happened. I'm not sure what made me think of you or why I wanted to go back and read every post I've written about you. Something unspoken inside of me, I guess. Maybe it's because I've now been single for over 10 years. I'm beginning to lose hope. The light inside of me is starting to fade.

Am I truly that unlovable or is it that I haven't let anyone close to me in so long? Why is it that I can't find the spark easily and it's always so few and far between these days? Am I destined to be alone forever? They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, and maybe that's been the problem all along. Maybe it's me that is broken still. Maybe it's me that needs healing.

Sunday, November 03, 2019

Never Trust a Bad Boy by Kira Adams

So as I have briefly mentioned, I have a new book coming out...finally!

It's called Never Trust a Bad Boy and it's part of a multi-author series in which all books are standalones. There are 5 total books in the series. I finally got NTABB onto GR, so you can add it to your TBR list here

I've been terrible at updating in general, so this is my attempt. Check out an excerpt from my upcoming release here and stay tuned for November 26th when it releases. :)

He enters the room, his presence sucking the air out of it. He holds his head up, his lowered eyes casting over the abandoned space. “How are you doing, Mija? Did they treat you okay?” He reaches his hand out to my face, caressing the side of it.
           
His concern is not genuine. This is his favorite game – make me think that he actually cares about someone other than himself and then shatter that as soon as a few moments pass by. The only thing I can do is nod silently.
            
He crouches down so that he is eye level to me. My heart pounds against my ribcage. He tucks some of my hair behind my ears like a doting father and then takes a deep breath. “Where’s the money, Kail?”
            
For a moment, his words don’t even digest. My focus is on his faux fatherly gestures that were always something I yearned for but never got. Even as a baby, he probably held me a handful of times. Eduardo could never be described as loving. 

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Late: Cover Reveal - The Never Trust Series

Sorry I am so late with this, but here is the cover reveal for the Never Trust Series, it's a multi-author series I am a part of which is releasing in about a week.









Never Trust a Player by Breigh Stout


Never Trust a Frat Boy by Alora Kate

Sunday, September 15, 2019

CXR


You've been on my mind since the first time my eyes laid sight on you. With every passing meeting and moment, my feelings for you grew.

Admiration. Adoration. Lust.

You were a complete gentleman.

Attentive. Supportive. Inclusive.

When we first crossed paths, I was seeing someone. Nevertheless, you remained on my mind.

Your commanding personality, your handsome features, your enthusiastic nature. It was hard not to be intoxicated by you.

And then I started toeing the line. Letting you know I'd be open to something more. But your mysterious nature, the same one that drew me to you began to trump everything else.

You gave me a part of yourself one night. Multiple parts that I've kept locked away for safe keeping. Parts that made my heart full and eager.

You let me into a part of your world after. A very important part. You told me it wasn't something you did for just anyone. Special doesn't even describe how you made me feel.

But you also kept me at an arm's length. Enough to keep me salivating for more, enough to keep your heart safe and guarded.

But what you don't know is that I've been admiring you from afar for months. What you don't know is that being around you has made me feel something I haven't felt in over 10 years. Something I've been chasing but never thought I'd find again.

And now begins the overthinking, the ball in the pit of my stomach telling me that I've misread all of the signs. That you are not into me the same way I'm feeling you. That I'm not running through your mind day and night like you are through mine.

I'm terrified to ask where your head is at because it may change everything. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose you. Not yet.

We come from vastly different worlds and yet I crave more. I want to know more. There is so much time, yet it ticks by so quickly I worry those fleeting moments may be all I will get.

I'm not naive enough to think you've been alone these last six years. I haven't been alone the last ten years. But I wasn't settling because I was looking for that passion. That missing flame.

I'm not anything compared to the women you've spent time with and you are completely different from the guys who have occupied my time. But there is only 1 me and there is only 1 you and my hope is that we went through all the other bullshit to find each other. That we were just waiting to find that person we could be ourselves with. The person we could let our walls down for.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

I Wish I Could Pretend I Didn't Need Ya

I haven't felt this way in over 10 years. The excitement, the giddiness. It's unmatched. But I want to see an effort from the person I'm going to give myself to this time around. Maybe this will be just a fleeting good time, but I care about this person a lot. I don't want to ruin our friendship. And maybe that's why he's kept me at arms length for so long. Because the chemistry we have is magnetic. It's to be said that he has the exact same name as my ex. But signs have never panned out well for me in the past. He has no idea I know his name, I have no idea if he feels the same.

Le sigh.

Someday, right? That's what I keep reminding myself. Someday I will find my person.