Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Truth...When It Matters Most

I would hate to say I told you so.
But I did.
I'm confused on my feelings at this point.
I mean, I'm kind of happy...
But sad that you are so depressed.
The thing that kills me....
Is YOU pushed me away.
You gave me up, for a life with her.
And even after all of that.
I still came back, and told you I'd be here for you.
I'd be here for you if you needed anyone to talk to.
And I will.
But I still think it's bullshit.
In a way I hope she sticks with her word...and doesn't come back to you.
And in another, I hope she does, because I want you to be happy.
I'm so confused about my emotions.
I've just stopped living in the past.
But it doesn't mean I don't remember it now and again.

And For You...
I can't say I don't envy her.
I can't say I don't wish I was her everyday of my life.
Getting to be everything to you.
Getting to fall asleep next to you.
And then wake up to you.
I don't talk about you much anymore.
I try to keep my feelings locked away inside.
What's the point in anyone knowing them anyways?
Nothing will ever change.
And plus, I actually like her.
I have no intention of ever trying to ruin anything between you two.
I see that you are happy.
I want you to be.
I never made you happy.
And I need to accept that.

I miss the old group(s).
I miss night beach trips.
I miss barbeque's.
I miss late night trips to the park.
And spooning parties.
I miss having a solid group of friends.
Jesse and I are going to start a new group.
And start to make new memories.
He needs the cheering up.
And I need the friendships.

Although I'm starting to understand life.
And although I'm starting to slowly regain my happiness...
I still feel as though I mean nothing to anyone.
I cannot name one person that my life has made a difference to.
I cannot name one person that would give up everything for me, as I would for them.
I feel alone in this world.
And my biggest fear is to die alone.

Sometimes the only way for me to feel better...
Is to let everything flow freely from my mind to my fingers.
And I feel a release.
Of everything I keep hidden away inside of me.
No one knows the real me.
I fear no one ever will.
I show people what I'm comfortable showing them.
But I trust no one.
I'm brutally honest...
But I keep my secrets close to me.
I wish I meant the world to at least one person.
For once in my life, I wish my life had meaning.
I'm terrified that I will never make that impact on anyones life, ever.
And that scares the shit outta me.
I just want my life to have meaning.
I want to have a meaning.

I'm tired of living in a fairy tale fake world.
I'm tired of living my life through my dreams.
No matter how many times I dream these scenarios...I can never go back and change them.
I need to permanently accept that.
No matter how many times I try to change the ending in my dreams...
That was never the ending in reality.
I've fucked up one too many times.
I'm not that person anymore.
And I'm never going to settle ever again.

So to You---I'm here, even though you hurt me beyond words in the past.
And to You---I love you, but we will never be again, and I accept that.
And to You---You're obviously over me, and already moved on...I need to do the same.
And to Me---I always said I would live life through my dreams because they were better than reality...but I cannot...no more, no way...reality is staring me in the face, TIME TO ACCEPT IT.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Baby, You Wouldn't Last A Minute On This Creek

Let's just stop,
drop everything,
(forget each other's names) forget each other's names,
And just walk away.

Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
we just walk away.

This is probably the best,
not to mention the worst idea,
that I have ever had.

Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
What do you say?

This is probably the best,
not to mention the worst idea,
that I have ever had.

We say what we feel,
Then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
We just walk away.

Let's just stop,
Drop everything,
Forget each other's names,
Can we please just walk away?
It could be...It could be...
Like we never knew each other at all.

Answer me!
All egos aside, what do you say?
All egos aside, what do you say?

Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
What do you say?

We say what we feel,
Then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
We just walk away.

This Shit Is Bananas

Update:

You're too stubborn to admit your mistake.
Or maybe you haven't even realized you've made one yet.
Either way, when you do realize...
When you do grow up...
It will be too late.
It's really sad too.
Because I showed you nothing but love.
But I guess that means nothing nowadays.


The celibate life has it's ups and downs.
It's regrets and follow throughs.
But in the end, I know it was the right decision.
Boys=The Past.
Men=The Future.
Although, I still can't but help to feel like I am going to die alone.


I'm depressed.
This is bad.
This is really bad.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

You Were Always The *One*

You're the one person I can think about 24-7, non-stop. You're the one person I have thought about non-stop for the past 3 years. It's amazing to me that we've known each other that long. I still have your default ring tone from my old phone ringing in my ears. I can still feel the effects on my heartbeat as it raced beyond control. You're the one person whom I can be terrified to be with, while also completely and utterly in love with--wishing we were together. Being with you would be the best dream come true, while also the scariest nightmare. You mean more to me than anyone in the entire world and it's a shame you will never know. I never did a good job of showing it, of course. I don't have any excuses...just regrets. That I never told you how I felt...Everyday as I felt it. No matter who has occupied my time over the years--You have been the only thing on my mind. You're the one person who's opinion matters most. This is what terrifies me the most. Because you could kill me with what you say. You could break me down into nothing more than anyone else in the world. Some days, I'll just ly in bed and remember everything that made me fall for you...everything that kept me in love with you. There were times when I was screaming for help from you--Only wishing you could hear it over the lies I told you. I can't tell you how many times I convinced myself that I would never be good enough for you. That I would never deserve you. I always took the easy way out--When I should have taken the path that would have leaded me to you. I can remember anything about you, any memories, like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make all the right choices for once...Choose you. You were always too good to be true. I think you always will be. It always baffled me how any girl could break your heart...and then, I did it. Not once. Not twice. Not even three times. But multiple times. Being vulnerable to you terrified me...more than you will ever know. You were never the easy way out...you were the worthwhile route. Everything worth doing/having in life takes time and effort. Sometimes it scares me so much that I still love you more than anything and anyone. And even though I know I'll never be able to go back and rewind...it still feels good to be able to care so deeply about someone. Even if the feeling isn't returned. You were perfect. It sounds cheesy, but when I look at you, I see perfection. I could have given you the world, and instead, I threw everything in your face, countless times. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the person I was. Of the person I have become. Fate has always brought you back in my life. But I know that after so many times screwing with fate's plan--I'll never get another chance. It feels good to write all this down. I don't ever talk to anyone about it. It's harder to get over than you think. You're harder to get over. Maybe I will someday--Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll simply fill my time up with replacements that could never even compare. All I know is I love you and always have. I guess I have a really fucked up way of showing it. You really were the best thing to ever happen to me. My guardian angel. My miracle. I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I love you.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

So.

It's been over 5 months, possibly even 6, but I still miss you. I miss your scent. I miss your voice. I miss your touch. I miss your cocky grin. But all in all, I just miss you.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Where Can I Stab Myself In The Ears?

I've never felt more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. Whether it was the touch of your lips against mine or your body against mine. The first time we hung out, we were driving in my car to the beach, and I could tell you wanted to hold my hand. But you weren't sure how I felt. So you kept sticking your hand right by mine, by the gear. And our hands would grace and I wouldn't know how to react. I held your hand a few times that night...and nothing felt awkward or forced. Then, when we walked through the casino. You walked in front of me and put your hand out for me to grab and follow you. You put your arms around my waist while we played roulette, and nothing felt wrong or strange. Just comfortable. Our conversation that first night in my car proved that we were comfortable with each other to talk about the subjects we chose to. And I couldn't get over the fact that you let me gamble your money. I couldn't get over the fact that you paid for me. And then, when we were laying on the blanket on the sand and gazing up at the stars...I knew it was inevitable we were going to kiss. Your kissing style was definitely something different, but something I could get used to at the same time. The second time we hung out was nice. I don't remember exactly what we did, but I think it had something to do with you asking me to come over and bring a friend for your friend. I came over, but didn't bring a friend, as I explained to you, I didn't have any. But we hung out with your buddy just the same, and he teased me like he had known me for years. I could tell that was a good sign. To know that your friends approved of me? Priceless. The thing I liked most about you is that you told me upfront that you didn't want a relationship and that you just wanted to see what was out there and find out exactly what you wanted. But every second I spent with you, you made it seem as though I was the only one. And you needn't look no further. The things you said, the way you grabbed my phone and charmed my mom in a matter of 5 minutes. I told myself not to get in too deep too fast. Because I've been hurt much too many times. But no matter how hard I tried, the more we hung out the more I liked the person you were. The way that you basically couldn't keep your lips off mine, even in front of your buddy, let me know that you too, liked me more than you led on. As you said to me, "I could get used to kissing you." It's sad to say..but because I didn't really have any friends, and definitely no one to hang out with...I waited for your emails or calls. I waited to hear from you. So that I would have something to do, someone to hang out with. Rather than just wasting away in my empty apartment. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I wish I knew an ounce of what you were thinking/feeling. I wish I knew if you even think about me. I don't know that I'll ever find anyone like you again. But I hope I do. More so, I hope it's you.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

You Stupid Little Girl

I'm so confused.
I'm so frustrated.
I wish I could stop thinking about you.
Why didn't you take the time out to tell me anything?
I can still feel your lips on mine.
And it pisses me off.
Because, I wont feel that again any time soon, if ever.
I feel like I scared you away.
You keep telling me I could never do that.
I don't know.
Maybe it's for the best.
Maybe it's for the worst.
Time will tell.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

The Way You Move

I'm so frustrated, I could cry.
Why do things always look so up...
Before crashing down?
And you make it all seem so simple.
Is it really that way to you?
Do you really not give a crap?
Well I did.
Well I do.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Good Things Happen To Bad People

This is wrong.
I know it.
They've warned me.
But I can't stop.
You're like a drug I can't get enough of.
I told you...
Fate has a crazy way with my life.
I'm still trying to figure out which direction IT wants me to go.
I'm happy.
For the first time in a long time.
And I can feel it.
In my cheeks and in my sides from laughing.
I can't wait to see where this goes.
I only hope it's not self destruction or the hurt of others.