Sever the Ties

I feel like a realization came to me today and brought some peace along with it. I've been living for others for so long, I forgot how passionate I am about my goals and dreams. I forgot that it was me who manifested my initial success as an indie author. It was me who also let that fall by the wayside. It was me who hustled to get my music heard and out there. Me who hustled to improve our production and performance. 

I need to be better. I will be better. 

You heard it here first. 2021 I'm coming for you. 

What Once Was

I miss you in every bone of my body. 

I miss you with every breathe that I take.

I miss you with every tear that falls down my cheeks.

I miss us. I miss what we were. What we could have been. 

My broken heart may never repair itself. I may never be whole again. I may never be me. 

But I hope one day you wake up and you're you again. 

I hope one day the anger subsides. I hope one day your heart mends. 

I hope one day you begin to feel normal like you've always longed for. 

And I hope and pray that I'm able to continue putting one foot in front of the other. 

For the hope of a better future. For the hope of a pure love. 

MTE

It just sucks because we had something beautiful and you ripped it away. You threw a grenade, and there's no going back. 

I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I've never felt as connected immediately to anyone like I did with you. 

It's because in all of our lifetimes of finding each other, we are soulmates, we're just not meant to be and that's something I'm coming to realize. 

What you did to me was not a reflection of how you felt about me and honestly had nothing to do with you, or us or anything. It was a demon you were fighting inside of yourself. Something that you needed to get out. A pain that you needed people to hear. And it was hard for me to understand how you could treat the person that you love in the ways you did. I didn't realize that it was something you couldn't control. 

I didn't realize how sick you actually were, and I'm sorry for that. In my naivety, I exacerbated a lot of the issues between us because I didn't fully understand what I was dealing with, and that's my fault. 

Of course I wonder what if you didn't do this...would it pop up later on down the line? Were we just delaying the inevitable? What if you never threw everything away?

When it first happened, I was so broken. I just, tried to make sense of it in my head. I tried to make sense of why you would throw everything away. We had such a beautiful life. Why? And I guess that's something I'm going to have to come to terms with that I'll never understand fully what you were going through. I'll never really understand what trauma was going on in your head that caused you the need to do what you did. That may never compute. That's okay. I may never make sense of what you did, I just need to cope with it. And so this is my swift kick in the butt that this wasn't the life I wanted and the universe knew that. They intervened and told me they had something else in store for me. 

So thank you for that. Even after everything, I feel like there was a reason that this happened. It will be a really good learning lesson for me. There will be a lot of tears, there will be a lot of confusion, anger, hurt and sadness, but it's for the best. I need to work on myself. I need help. I need to talk to someone. It's time to work on me now. 

Yours

I want to be yours.
I want to be missed by you each time we part.
Lusting for you even when we are together.
Passion and intimacy off the charts.
When you ebb, I flow.
Primal, yet delicate.
Our connection is undeniable.
You want to be mine.
You want to shout to the world that I am yours.
You accept me for me.
Mind, body, & soul.
You're the fire and I'm the ice.
Together, the possibilities are endless.

I Wanna Live Forever

I thought about you today. It's been awhile so it surprised me when it happened. I'm not sure what made me think of you or why I wanted to go back and read every post I've written about you. Something unspoken inside of me, I guess. Maybe it's because I've now been single for over 10 years. I'm beginning to lose hope. The light inside of me is starting to fade.

Am I truly that unlovable or is it that I haven't let anyone close to me in so long? Why is it that I can't find the spark easily and it's always so few and far between these days? Am I destined to be alone forever? They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, and maybe that's been the problem all along. Maybe it's me that is broken still. Maybe it's me that needs healing.