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Sunday, September 23, 2007

You Were Always The *One*

You're the one person I can think about 24-7, non-stop. You're the one person I have thought about non-stop for the past 3 years. It's amazing to me that we've known each other that long. I still have your default ring tone from my old phone ringing in my ears. I can still feel the effects on my heartbeat as it raced beyond control. You're the one person whom I can be terrified to be with, while also completely and utterly in love with--wishing we were together. Being with you would be the best dream come true, while also the scariest nightmare. You mean more to me than anyone in the entire world and it's a shame you will never know. I never did a good job of showing it, of course. I don't have any excuses...just regrets. That I never told you how I felt...Everyday as I felt it. No matter who has occupied my time over the years--You have been the only thing on my mind. You're the one person who's opinion matters most. This is what terrifies me the most. Because you could kill me with what you say. You could break me down into nothing more than anyone else in the world. Some days, I'll just ly in bed and remember everything that made me fall for you...everything that kept me in love with you. There were times when I was screaming for help from you--Only wishing you could hear it over the lies I told you. I can't tell you how many times I convinced myself that I would never be good enough for you. That I would never deserve you. I always took the easy way out--When I should have taken the path that would have leaded me to you. I can remember anything about you, any memories, like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make all the right choices for once...Choose you. You were always too good to be true. I think you always will be. It always baffled me how any girl could break your heart...and then, I did it. Not once. Not twice. Not even three times. But multiple times. Being vulnerable to you terrified me...more than you will ever know. You were never the easy way were the worthwhile route. Everything worth doing/having in life takes time and effort. Sometimes it scares me so much that I still love you more than anything and anyone. And even though I know I'll never be able to go back and still feels good to be able to care so deeply about someone. Even if the feeling isn't returned. You were perfect. It sounds cheesy, but when I look at you, I see perfection. I could have given you the world, and instead, I threw everything in your face, countless times. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the person I was. Of the person I have become. Fate has always brought you back in my life. But I know that after so many times screwing with fate's plan--I'll never get another chance. It feels good to write all this down. I don't ever talk to anyone about it. It's harder to get over than you think. You're harder to get over. Maybe I will someday--Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll simply fill my time up with replacements that could never even compare. All I know is I love you and always have. I guess I have a really fucked up way of showing it. You really were the best thing to ever happen to me. My guardian angel. My miracle. I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I love you.

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