Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Truth...When It Matters Most

I would hate to say I told you so.
But I did.
I'm confused on my feelings at this point.
I mean, I'm kind of happy...
But sad that you are so depressed.
The thing that kills me....
Is YOU pushed me away.
You gave me up, for a life with her.
And even after all of that.
I still came back, and told you I'd be here for you.
I'd be here for you if you needed anyone to talk to.
And I will.
But I still think it's bullshit.
In a way I hope she sticks with her word...and doesn't come back to you.
And in another, I hope she does, because I want you to be happy.
I'm so confused about my emotions.
I've just stopped living in the past.
But it doesn't mean I don't remember it now and again.

And For You...
I can't say I don't envy her.
I can't say I don't wish I was her everyday of my life.
Getting to be everything to you.
Getting to fall asleep next to you.
And then wake up to you.
I don't talk about you much anymore.
I try to keep my feelings locked away inside.
What's the point in anyone knowing them anyways?
Nothing will ever change.
And plus, I actually like her.
I have no intention of ever trying to ruin anything between you two.
I see that you are happy.
I want you to be.
I never made you happy.
And I need to accept that.

I miss the old group(s).
I miss night beach trips.
I miss barbeque's.
I miss late night trips to the park.
And spooning parties.
I miss having a solid group of friends.
Jesse and I are going to start a new group.
And start to make new memories.
He needs the cheering up.
And I need the friendships.

Although I'm starting to understand life.
And although I'm starting to slowly regain my happiness...
I still feel as though I mean nothing to anyone.
I cannot name one person that my life has made a difference to.
I cannot name one person that would give up everything for me, as I would for them.
I feel alone in this world.
And my biggest fear is to die alone.

Sometimes the only way for me to feel better...
Is to let everything flow freely from my mind to my fingers.
And I feel a release.
Of everything I keep hidden away inside of me.
No one knows the real me.
I fear no one ever will.
I show people what I'm comfortable showing them.
But I trust no one.
I'm brutally honest...
But I keep my secrets close to me.
I wish I meant the world to at least one person.
For once in my life, I wish my life had meaning.
I'm terrified that I will never make that impact on anyones life, ever.
And that scares the shit outta me.
I just want my life to have meaning.
I want to have a meaning.

I'm tired of living in a fairy tale fake world.
I'm tired of living my life through my dreams.
No matter how many times I dream these scenarios...I can never go back and change them.
I need to permanently accept that.
No matter how many times I try to change the ending in my dreams...
That was never the ending in reality.
I've fucked up one too many times.
I'm not that person anymore.
And I'm never going to settle ever again.

So to You---I'm here, even though you hurt me beyond words in the past.
And to You---I love you, but we will never be again, and I accept that.
And to You---You're obviously over me, and already moved on...I need to do the same.
And to Me---I always said I would live life through my dreams because they were better than reality...but I cannot...no more, no way...reality is staring me in the face, TIME TO ACCEPT IT.

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