Things I'll Never Say

I think about you every second of every day.
I've been thinking about you non-stop for 15 days shy of a year straight.
I've been in denial, and played it cool...but you haunt me daily.
You did such horrible things to me, and put me through such pain.
You would think I would love to be rid of you.
But I can't imagine a day without seeing your picture or reading old emails, comments, letters, or remembering old memories.
I have never loved someone so much, wholeheartedly.
I don't know that I ever will again.
It hurts more than the deepest cut to see that you have moved on.
To see how quickly you were yet again, engaged.
To see you call her "Butter Bean".
You know that was our thing.
You know that is what I used to call you.
It makes me sick to my stomach knowing you might do "our things" with her.
Squeezing her hand twice to say you love her.
Holding her hand while she drives.
Calling her "Bubs".
When did things become so fucked up?
I wonder if you ever think about me.
I wonder if she even compares.
With my luck, she outshines me.
I haven't cried about you in a long time.
My tears are have long since dried up.
And my heart is not broken anymore.
But it is definitely empty.
I loved you with everything I had to give.
You gave me up in a matter of hours.
I thought we were forever.
Boy was I wrong.
I don't know that I will ever be able to open myself so completely for love again.
There is a lock around my heart.
And I've swallowed the key.
I don't ever want to feel the pain you put me through, ever again.
I'd rather die.
Just answer me one question, was it worth it?

Damned if I do (Damned if I don't)

There's something missing in my life.
Hunger.
That hunger that keeps me moving until I reach my goal.
It's missing in every aspect in my life.
I used to have this deep thirst/hunger to be loved.
I don't know when I realized this, but I don't need someone to complete me.
I am whole.
Who knows when I picked all my pieces up, dusted them off, and put them back together.
I had no idea I was me again.

I've always known I was a strong person.
If I want something I go for it full force.
But I've lost that passion.
I have lost my zest for life.
I go through the days, routines, schedules.
It's always the same.
I need something to shake up the ordinary.

I need that fight again.
I long for that hunger, again.
But I think the fact that I won't settle changes everything.
I know what I am worth.
I'm making decisions that could potentially hurt others, and shrugging it off.

I wonder if I have somehow lost my caring heart.
I am only worried about myself and my needs.
Essentially, I have become a selfish person.
I just want that spark again.
I want to feel the butterflies.
I want to feel that deep longing.

I pushed away someone who I could have seen a future with.
Without a second thought.
Why?
I justify it with petty reasons...but the real answer?
I didn't feel it.
When his lips touched mine, there were no fireworks, no butterflies, nothing.
Just two attractive people kissing.

I wonder if my heart is closed off.
Like maybe after I put it back together, it was also locked away for good.
I feel emotionless.
I just want to feel something.
Anything.