Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Damned if I do (Damned if I don't)

There's something missing in my life.
Hunger.
That hunger that keeps me moving until I reach my goal.
It's missing in every aspect in my life.
I used to have this deep thirst/hunger to be loved.
I don't know when I realized this, but I don't need someone to complete me.
I am whole.
Who knows when I picked all my pieces up, dusted them off, and put them back together.
I had no idea I was me again.

I've always known I was a strong person.
If I want something I go for it full force.
But I've lost that passion.
I have lost my zest for life.
I go through the days, routines, schedules.
It's always the same.
I need something to shake up the ordinary.

I need that fight again.
I long for that hunger, again.
But I think the fact that I won't settle changes everything.
I know what I am worth.
I'm making decisions that could potentially hurt others, and shrugging it off.

I wonder if I have somehow lost my caring heart.
I am only worried about myself and my needs.
Essentially, I have become a selfish person.
I just want that spark again.
I want to feel the butterflies.
I want to feel that deep longing.

I pushed away someone who I could have seen a future with.
Without a second thought.
Why?
I justify it with petty reasons...but the real answer?
I didn't feel it.
When his lips touched mine, there were no fireworks, no butterflies, nothing.
Just two attractive people kissing.

I wonder if my heart is closed off.
Like maybe after I put it back together, it was also locked away for good.
I feel emotionless.
I just want to feel something.
Anything.

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