Monday, January 09, 2017

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's been going on for more than a few years now, and honestly, I'm just tired of being tired.

I'm tired when I wake up. I'm tired when I go to bed. I can't catch a break. I find myself falling asleep at 7pm, 8pm, 9pm. I find myself waking up at 5am, 6am, 7am. I'm supposed to stay away from coffee and tea, and caffeine pretty much - so what do I really have to give me energy? Energy drinks make me puke. Gulp water and pop a b12? Is that the best you can do?

I'm a 30 year old woman who feels like she is in a 60 year old woman's body. I have a terrible back, my whole body hurts when all i do is sit all day, and I swear I'm getting Alzheimer's in my knees and joints. My right heel has been sore for over a week now too.

I want to feel like I did when I was 19. Run on a few hours of sleep, feel invincible, like I can do anything. What happened to that girl? I've been wanting to get into an exercising routine, but it's difficult when I'm exhausted 24/7. You know something that also happens when I'm exhausted? I tend to binge-snack to stay awake. This is a big no-no and a big factor into why I gained 40 lbs back in the past year.

It's funny because when I was 215 lbs, all I did was wish I was 150 lbs. When I was finally 150 lbs, I wasn't happy at all. I had the worst body dysmorphia of my life. I really felt the heaviest when I was in actuality, the smallest I'd been in a very long time. Now I'm 190 lbs, and desperately wanting to go back to 150. I can't get it together.

The thing is, I don't want to be grandma status right now. I want to be a regular 30-year old woman with endless energy. I just don't know if I am ever going to get her back again.

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