Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Mid-Life Crisis #2 - Age: 31

So I'm guessing you've seen the title. I kind of feel like that's where I'm at in life currently. I went through my first mid-life crisis at the young age of 26. Now, here I am again 5 years later. 

I'm unhappy with a lot of things in my life currently. I know I need to make changes, but it's easier said than done in some of these cases. I wish I could have someone to share my life with, but I'm almost thinking it's better I don't because I'm not 100% yet, and I don't want someone to have to see me like this. 

I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive old memories just so I can remember what it feels like to really care about someone and have the feelings reciprocated. 

I had my first breakdown moment when it comes to books in front of one of my best friends. It's happened once and once only, but it was sad and real. I told him that I had gone back and re-read a couple of my books and I worried that maybe I've been lying to myself this whole time, and maybe I'm not that good of a writer. He reminded me that I've written 13 books, why would I ever want to stop now? And I know he's right, it's just so hard sometimes to put so much into it and not get much ROI. 

I have only made $7500 off of my books in 3 years, and while that's $7500 more than I would have had, I also put out at least that plus some to get the covers, editing, formatting, etc. 

I know there are some authors out there that will sell less than $20 a month on their books, and I know there are others out there who will sell more than $10k a month. I am fortunate to land somewhere in the middle, but there is no magical formula. If I ever find out about one, I'll let you know. A few months ago I made $8 on my books. I don't think I've made that little since the first month I published back in May '14. It's disheartening to put so much of myself into each book and not see it gain the traction I would hope for. 

I'm also starting to really worry that I'll never be ready to be with someone again and I'll end up alone forever. The thought has really been messing with me a lot lately. I really hope I'm wrong.

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