The Kids Aren't Alright

On August 29th, 2021 my mother passed away. 

She had been suffering with a brain tumor for about 5 months, and while it was anticipated, it was unexpected how quickly everything happened. 

I saw her a couple of days before and while she was in a lot of pain and not moving around as much, we were still able to communicate, to hug, kiss, talk. 

When I got the call on Sunday morning at 4 AM, I worried that it was too late. That my brother was calling me to tell me that she had passed in her sleep. However, instead he was telling me that things had taken a turn for the worse, and that we all needed to get back to the beach to see her because it was uncertain if we would have another chance. 

On the drive there, I was unsure of what to expect. When I arrived, she was basically unresponsive nearly the entire time, only opening up her eyes for a few seconds and then falling back into a sleep. I wasn't even sure she was aware we were all there. 

When she would wake up and we could talk to her for a few moments, she would complain about how much pain she was in before becoming unconscious again. 

I never knew Sunday would be my last day with her. I never expected on my drive that it would be the last time I would talk to her, see her, hug her. 

She used to cry and tell me she was worried about me because she didn't think I would be ready. Oh how right she was. I wasn't ready to not be able to call her. I wasn't ready to not have her in my life every single day. 

Toward the end, I made it a point to go and visit her every single week. I never knew when would be the last time, and I didn't want any regrets. I'm happy to say I don't have any but I still miss her like hell. 

A year ago, a traumatic experience flipped my entire world upside down and I never thought I'd be able to move past it. I had to move, leave all my friends, and start all over in my old hometown. It was a lot for me to go through, and my grief consumed me. 

Looking back on it now, I'm so thankful everything happened like it did. Sure it broke me. Sure it hurt like hell. But if not for that, I wouldn't have gotten the extra year with my mom before she passed. Everything happens for a reason, and the universe knew I needed that time with her before she was taken. 

I never realized that the worst day of my life could be overshadowed by my mother's passing which has now taken full and center stage. 

My mother was like the sun and we revolved around her. She brought us all together. Gave us a safe landing place. Nothing will ever be the same again. I will never be the same again. 

The last thing she said to me that day as I hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her was that I promised her I would be successful. And that I needed to keep pushing for that for her. I intend to, it's just right now it's hard to have any motivation for anything. I hope it gets easier. I hope one day I wake up and the hole in my chest doesn't feel as big and dark as it does today. 

I don't know how everything will play out but I do know that she was my biggest supporter, my biggest fan. She cheered me on when the rest of the world told me it's silly to have aspirations of being a full-time author or successful musician. She never laughed at my dreams, but rather built them up with me. 

I'm going to miss her more than anything. I already do. 

I'm going to keep writing because it's what I love. Because it's my passion. Because of her belief in me. I'm going to keep pushing to be a better human because she was the best person I knew. 

I hope she's at peace. I hope her sisters and her father were there to greet her when she passed. I hope she's not in pain anymore. 

Life is short so take the time to make sure your loved ones know how much you care. How much they mean to you. Make the most of each and every day.