Sing Me Anything...: January 2019

I'm posting this so you can finally see your chapter. You know who you are...

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Gunnar

(The Best Friend)

It all started with one person. And in the beginning, everything ended with him. After every relationship I ended, my mind would wander back to him. After I fucked him over more times than I can count, I would always crawl back and beg forgiveness. At the time, I thought he was my soul mate. The fact that I couldn’t get him out of my head, made me crazy. His name was Gunnar.

The first time I met Gunnar, we were at a party in Monmouth, at Neve’s house. All I remember, is thinking that he was so strange, as I saw him ride around outside on a unicycle. He was so drunk and kept worrying that he was going to be fired from his job if they found out. At the time, he said he worked for the Statesman Journal. I never really gave him much thought in the beginning. He was so hairy, and awkward.

Then, it all changed. I was invited to a party at Rebecca’s house in July 2005. All of my group of friends were there, and drinking. Although, the more I drank the more I felt sober. I remember sitting at the dining room table with Chip, Francesca’s boyfriend and just shooting the shit. Then, I saw Gunnar again…only this time, I did not even recognize who he was. He had shaved off all of his facial hair, and he actually looked extremely handsome.

I remember talking outside with Gunnar, and someone, the name escapes me, asked us if we were kissing. I guess the way we were standing, you couldn’t tell. And we both laughed it off and said no, but then, as quickly as that happened, Gunnar was kissing me. It took me by surprise. I remember the butterflies that filled my stomach during that kiss; wondering, how this had even come to be.

You see, I knew Hazel liked Gunnar. Hazel was my best friend. And I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. So immediately after we broke the kiss off, I went to ask Hazel if she did truly like Gunnar. Hazel denied it. She even got so irate that I would think such a thing. So, in my eyes, I assumed it was okay for me to like him. Err, wrong. Hazel did like him; and portrayed this to me by writing “whore” and “slut” all over my car and the ground around it. In a drunken stupor, she had walked in on us in the bedroom, when everyone had tried to prevent her from finding us.

I believe Hazel resented me then. She never came out and openly said she liked Gunnar. But as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. And even though I knew she liked Gunnar, we had already opened the gates to hell. I wasn’t going to back pedal; especially, when she denied ever liking him to begin with. He was fair game at that point.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Do You Remember?

Do you remember holding hands and watching the lightning and thunder storm?
How you told me there was no place you'd rather be.
Do you remember driving all over Salem?
You and Austin in your car; all us girls in the other.
Do you remember trying to fit (both of us) on my twin size bed, never with any luck?
Do you remember barbecues at my house and late night beach trips?
Do you remember the first night we "met" and we talked for hours in the tree house?
Do you remember the first night you ever came over to my house?
You brought your lab top that night and tried to steal internet.
Do you remember the party/get together at your house where you tried to make Alexis jealous?
So you had me sit on your lap just to see what reaction you'd get out of her?
Do you remember the haunted corn maze and trying to lose Ariel?
Do you remember Shari's that night and secret text messages?
Do you remember at 3:00 o’clock the next morning you calling me and I was with Tomas but I was trying to tell you I loved you? But you had a fight with Ariel and were trying to console her?
Do you remember how I got you into Imogen Heap's song "Hide & Seek", and how it was basically our song?
Do you remember RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE phone bills from our 4 hour long conversations or lack thereof?

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I fucked up as always and I miss you. Remembering these things always puts an instant smile on my face. I just hope you're happy.

Gunnar and I were basically inseparable from that point on. We spent as much time as we could to try to get to know each other. Sometimes, we would just sit and talk for hours. Mostly, we would talk on the phone for hours and even if we weren’t saying anything, even if he was just singing songs to me, it was the closeness. We developed a “group”. His friends and mine mixed to do almost, if not everything together. Late night beach trips, barbecues, parties. These were some of the most memorable and fun times of my life.

But it wasn’t always fun and games. Gunnar and I fought quite a bit. Mostly, we fought about the fact that he was never ready for a relationship with me. He was never ready for the title. Everyone knew we were together. Everyone knew we were Krista&Gunnar, but he never wanted to admit it. He always wanted me to wait until he was ready. My friends hated to see me sad, and were constantly telling me how much better I could do. But on our good days, we were an amazing couple.

Gunnar told me he was in love with other girls; And that before he could commit to me, he had to figure out if those relationships would even work out. I always thought he was crazy, when he said he was in love with more than one person…little did I know, I would soon feel the exact same way.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Loaded Gun.

Its nights like these...Or should I say mornings?
That I find myself with random insomnia.
And I think of you?
I think of things that kept me in love with you...
Like the time when my cat almost died.
And I spent the night at your house where you just held me, and calmed me down.
Or the first time I got up the courage to kick Carson out.
And I spent the night with you, and you held me, and kissed my forehead, and stroked my hair.
Or the first time you called me in almost a year.
And you asked me out to coffee.
And how you still made me blush at coffee.
Or the time we both fell asleep on Neve's floor while she and Tara watched their favorite show.
Or the time when we were leaving my house for a night beach trip...
And I asked how the Popsicle was, and you replied by kissing me.
Or at the beach when you tackled me in the sand, and kissed me the way you did.
There were so many memories and or things that kept me in love with you.
But I was too afraid.
Too afraid to be happy.
Now I realize just having these memories as my own makes me happy.
And that is enough for me.

There were things that he did or we did that made us utterly and completely adorable. Like the time we were at my house and Gunnar and I were making up from a significant fight, and I asked him how his Popsicle tasted. He replied by kissing me, and making me blush. Or when we went to the beach and he asked me to walk with him, and ended up tackling me on the sand and kissing me in front of all of our friends. Or the way we would scream out lyrics at the top of our lungs to our favorite Matches song, Scratched Out. Tara always said it was the most adorable thing she had ever seen.

Even though I was madly and deeply in love with Gunnar, he was also my best friend. The one person I could go to, who would help me through the tough times, and forgive me for my fuck ups. And boy did I ever fuck up with Gunnar.

I began feeling restless waiting for Gunnar to decide whether he wanted to be with me or not. He was constantly telling me I needed to give him more time. I felt as if I loved him so much and would give up the world for him, why wouldn’t he do the same for me? That’s where Declan stepped in. Declan convinced me that I was worth it. And that he would fight for me, unlike Gunnar. He was willing to give up anything and everything to begin a life with me. I was naïve, he was persuasive.

I left Gunnar, and I’m certain, I broke his heart. He called me worthless. He called me a slut. He called me names I would never want anyone to be called. He was hurt, I understood why. He said he would never forgive me. He said I would regret it. He was right. Gunnar was always right.

Jun 12, 2007 7:56 PM

Subject:

RE: No Subject

Body:

Of course i care about you. I care so much that i let you lead your pathetic life by yourself. You deserve nothing more. You have been rude, stubborn, stupid, ignorant, arrogant, careless, thoughtless, and downright stupid over the past two years. Not only did you have me telling you this, you had an entire group of people telling you that you are fucked up in the head.

I sat here and watched him belittle you, and turn you in to the bitter cunt you are today. And you know what; it's your own pathetic little fault. You had everything you ever could have needed right here with me.

You know why i dated Ariel? To make you jealous. To watch you try and fight for me to see if you were really in to me... and you weren’t. You moved on to Tomas, and then some other goofy mother fucker... and then... The Mack Daddy of them all.

You really picked a winner there.... shit... all the way around you picked winners. You're the type of girl that lets a guy treat you like shit... over and over. Until--you're nothing...
And look at you now... Nothing... a waste of breath. I had so much respect for you in the beginning... Now i can't even look at your pictures without laughing.

I hope you remember me... throughout your entire life... as the one you let slip away... I would have loved to have been with you... but you fucked that up for the last time.

At first, I chose Declan over Gunnar. After the Declan episode ended, I vigilantly tried to get Gunnar back in my life. It wasn’t easy; although, it wasn’t supposed to be. I knew I had hurt him. I knew I had made the mistake. But I wasn’t willing to give up without a fight. I had let him slip away before, and I never wanted to do it again. And eventually, I broke down his walls, and he let me back in. He forgave me for choosing Declan over him; he understood that without the title, Gunnar and I were not completely together. Therefore, we could be with whomever we wanted.

But after Declan, Gunnar too had moved on. And boy did he make it obvious. Her name was Ariel. None of us really cared for her, and to this day, I don’t think she held a candle to me. But, Gunnar was not willing to take the plunge so easily with me, so he went for her. While he was with her, we worked on a friendship, something we had never really had before. And it grew stronger than any other bond I had. Gunnar was the one person I could tell anything to, count on for anything, the one person who I secretly loved more than life itself.

I tried to move on too; with no avail. I began dating a guy I knew from high school, Tomas, but he didn’t compare to Gunnar. I found myself lying in Tomas’s bed, thinking of Gunnar constantly. I remember admitting my love to Gunnar, and him telling me he needed to give Ariel a shot, and if it were another time, maybe, but not then. I felt broken. Eventually, things with Tomas ended, and I was left alone again; only to stand aside while things with Gunnar and Ariel heated up, moving in together, and then talks of marriage.

I wanted to be able to forget Gunnar in a relationship way. I wanted to be happy too. That’s when I stumbled across Carson. And that’s when I lost Gunnar, again. He gave me an ultimatum, him or Carson. And for once, I thought, I was following my heart to potential love. I should have listened to Gunnar when he warned me. I should have chosen him. But I needed to make some mistakes on my own. It was something I needed to figure out for myself.

I am a horrible person.
I truly am.
It makes it 10x worse that Tomas had to find out I'm still in love with Gunnar, on here.
That is so not fair to him.
In all honesty, I've been trying to work up the courage to tell him for awhile now.

I couldn't sleep Friday night.
Gunnar called, and suddenly I was wide awake.
It's funny how he has the effect on me.
I was up from 1:00am-3:00am.
I was stressed beyond anything.
I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt lost, I felt confused...I definitely didn't feel tired.

Now here comes the hard part.
I really, really like Tomas.
-BUT-
I am in love with Gunnar.
Life is so not fair to hand me 2 amazing guys, and leave me be to self-destruct.

I just hate myself so much right now.
Tomas is so amazing -- he doesn't deserve any of this.
He deserves someone who never in a million years would put him through this.
This being, confusion....

But at the same time, I just don't know what I want.
I'm not going to lie to you.
When someone likes me this much, this fast, i tend to run the other way...
So that's not helping much...

This situation seems all too familiar.
The triangle love affair of Cynthia, Declan, & I.
Declan was going home to her every night, yet he was contacting me everyday telling me he regretted his decision, that he was still in love with me.
Every time I got hope, it was always shattered in the end, and I was always left more broken then the times before.
I WILL NEVER PUT TOMAS THROUGH THIS.
I could never be that heartless.

I'm on the phone with Gunnar right now.
He tells me he doesn't deserve me.
I tell him the same.
He tells me I should stay with Tomas.
I tell him it's not that easy.
My reasoning: Even if nothing ever comes of Gunnar & me, it is not fair to be with someone, while always thinking of someone else.

I guess I just need some time to sort through my thoughts.
Get my head on straight.
I cannot tell anyone an estimate of how long this will be...
Because, do you not see me??
I'm more confused than ever.
I am just going to ride this out.

To Tomas:
I am so, so, so unbelievably sorry for putting you through this.
You are so incredible, I can't imagine hurting you.
I would never want that.
I don't expect you to wait on me to figure out my shit....
But, if you plan on doing that, it would be nice to know.
I really do <3 span="" you.="">

To Gunnar:
We have been through so much.
So many ups & downs.
And yet, here we are yet again.
This situation seems all too familiar.
Only last time, I made the worst decision of my life.
And I lost you.
You have to know, I regret that decision every day of my life.
You are amazing.
You ask me why I like you.
We are so alike, it's uncanny.
I think you are the male version of me.
We can literally laugh for hours on end.
I always have a blast with you.
You make me laugh, smile, etc like no one else can.
I am in love with you.

To Krista:
In reality, you don't deserve either.
Maybe you are destined to be alone?
You've hurt both guys in one way or another.
You always fuck things up.
Maybe next time think before you act, huh?

Well, I'm out.
I'm sorry you had to see this...all of you.
I don't lie, I'm nothing special.

Gunnar didn’t stay away forever. After 10 months into my relationship with Carson, Gunnar reappeared in my life. He sought me out, for once. He told me he missed me. He told me he didn’t care who I was with anymore and just wanted to be in my life again. He had a glow and happiness about him, and I knew he was through with Ariel. It was amazing how after all that time, he still could make me blush just by smiling at me, or make my heart beat so hard and fast; making me think it was going to jump out of my chest when he touched me. I was so grateful to have him back in my life, and I didn’t want anything to ruin it.

I remember it like it was yesterday, the day Carson hit me. Gunnar came to visit me at work like he did usually, and I broke down. I cried, and confessed what had happened. Gunnar said he knew it all along that I wasn’t happy and he wanted Carson out of my life for good. He drove me to my father’s house to tell him what had happened. And after everything, Gunnar asked me to stay with him. He didn’t want me going anywhere near Carson, he knew how manipulative he was, and he wanted me to be clear minded.

I remember spending the night with Gunnar, and he just held me, ever so gently. Like I was the most fragile thing he had ever had in his possession, but never wanted to lose. He stroked my hair, and kissed my forehead. I’ve never felt safer with anyone. But I didn’t stay the week like he so desperately begged me to. I felt the need to go home. It was my home after all, and I shouldn’t be afraid of it. After all, Carson had one week to get out. That was the agreement. I thought I could last a week, no problem.

Gunnar was right. Gunnar was always right; I basically walked myself right into a trap; right back into Carson’ manipulations. In a way, Carson had broken me down into nothing; I felt like that was what I deserved. I didn’t know better. And so, in Krista fashion, I turned my back on Gunnar and walked right back into Carson’ trap. I gave my best friend up for a kleptomaniac, bi-polar, abusive, pathological lying, cheater. And to this day, I will never forgive myself for it.

Thursday, Ariel 26, 2007

GUNNAR.

You will never see this.

You will never read this.

But for my own sake.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT.

I'm sorry.

I know that we will never speak again.

I know that we will never associate again...

But just for my own closure,

YOU WERE FUCKING RIGHT.

I was manipulated.

Do you remember when you said to me?

"You know Krista; you don't have to be with him...you can tell him that you don't want to be with him"

I wanted so badly to believe you.

I wanted so badly to do that.

Truthfully, I was TERRIFIED to take a chance with you.

I was stupid.

I always am.

I always fuck things up.

I know I will never get you back.

Not even as a friend.

And I think I am okay with that.

You did the right thing.

I didn't.

I was terrified because I am so fucked up.

I cannot even tell you.

I will never believe that anyone could want....this...me.

I don't know what else to say except.

I'm sorry. (But sorry isn't good enough)

I love you. (But I never show it)

I'm a fuck up. (You're better off without me)

BUT,

THANK YOU.

Thank you for EVERYTHING.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Having you in my life for however little time....

Was well worth it.

But hey, we can both laugh separately about the "winners" I've chosen to date.

I love you. I really do. I always have. And always will.

The day you came back from New Orleans...and you kissed me.

I wanted everything...with you.

But I feared everything with you.

So I took what I thought was the "easy road"...

It was NOTHING of that.

I hope you do find someone who will show you the world.

And cherish you like I've only dreamed.

I do hope you live out your dream.

You deserve all of it.

I wish you all the best.

Krista

Eventually, things with Carson took a turn for the worse, after we had been together for almost a year and a half, we broke up. But the guilt never subsided. I constantly tried to work my way back into Gunnar’s life. But Gunnar seemed stronger this time. He seemed more persistent to keep me as far away from his life as possible. Then, something changed. I don’t know how or why, but I was suddenly back in Gunnar’s life again, with things slowly falling back into place with our friendship….only this time, it wasn’t me making mistakes. It was Gunnar.

He was different, doing cocaine, hanging out with different crowds. I remember how disappointed I was in him. I remember telling him if he didn’t stop with the drugs, I wouldn’t be around…I had already been through that with my brother…I didn’t have the strength to live through it with Gunnar. This was around the time he began dating Chanelle…only, I never knew they were dating. Because Gunnar and I were back to our old ways, I was under the impression we were going to end up together, finally.

Life never seems to work out the way you believe it will though. Gunnar came back from a trip to New Orleans, saying he was ready to finally make it official with me, and be with me….meanwhile Carson had snaked his way back into my life. He clouded my head with promises of change, and make believe love. And again, I let Gunnar go. Again, I let Carson feed me lies and I ate them up, one by one. That was the last I saw of Gunnar, for a very long time.

I miss you.
I think about you all the time.
I think I've always thought about you.
Even when you hate me most, your MySpace is still in my favorites.
Something I visit daily, just to see what is going on in the life of, you.
Of course, I did this to myself...to us.
I always do it.
I'm sorry I'm such a screw up.
I think I like someone else.
And I think that's good for me, because it takes my mind off of you.
But I still think Rebecca is right.
We would have made a cute couple.
And maybe we would have...been a couple, if I wouldn't have fucked everything up, like I always do.
I hope you're good.
I drive past your work every day.
I get let down when I don't see your car there.
I wish I could just hear your voice one more time.
Even if it was telling me how much you hate me.
Your voice is one thing in this world, I miss.
I'm sorry, I'll never be able to say it enough...but I truly, truly, am.

Gunnar and I didn’t start becoming close again until Neve’s mom died. Its things like that, tragedies, that tend to bring people together. And, that’s exactly what it did. We began texting again. We began calling again; even hanging out. I remember going over to his apartment he shared with Chanelle, and feeling so out of place. I remember feeling so envious that she got to be everything to him. I remember feeling like I could not get out of that place fast enough.

Even when he was with her though, he still played with my mind, with my heart. He would ask me to come spend the night with him, nights she would be gone, and I remember not being able to differentiate joking from reality. But Chanelle was a good person, and I was not going to hurt her like I had been hurt in the past. So, I turned him down, time and time again.

He even asked me to keep quiet about the time when he had basically been seeing us both. And out of respect for Gunnar, I did. I only wanted his happiness. But, I did feel sorry for Chanelle that Gunnar had basically admitted he was going to choose me and be with me…until I made that decision for him, when I picked Carson.

Hide & Seek//Scratched Out

Friday, July 27, 2012

I heard our song the other day; One of only 2 songs in the world that could remind me of you. It wasn't expected, but surprised me on shuffle. Imogen Heap's voice always takes me back; Back to the days of endless phone calls, back to the days of butterflies.

I haven't thought of you in almost 2 years. I think back to my archives on here and when I never thought I would ever be over you. How many relationships came and went and how my feelings for you never wavered.

You are long since married and have a daughter, I'm told. You really did amazing for yourself, you know that? I'm so proud of you and I'm sure you are happy beyond words. You always told me I would amount to nothing and I was worthless. You were right.

Gunnar turned his back on me again when I began dating Asher. He’s right; I’m a horrible judge of character. And I should have taken his advice and ran…but I wanted to see for myself. I wanted to see if I could help Asher be a better person. And for a year and a half, I honestly believed he had changed.

I will never put anyone through the pain and hurt I put Gunnar through. I will never make the mistakes I did, when Gunnar was around. I am no longer a fuck up. I hurt Gunnar for so many years it really took a toll on my conscience. I never intended to hurt him. I loved him so very much.

Gunnar and I will never be close again. And in a way, I’m relieved. Now I never have to worry about hurting him or breaking his heart. He is married to Chanelle, and I honestly believe he is the happiest he has ever been. But he is and always will be the greatest love story of my life. Because, through all of my relationships, he has always been there, in my head, in my mind, and I don’t think he will ever leave. He is forever embedded.

You're the one person I can think about 24-7, non-stop. You're the one person I have thought about non-stop for the past 3 years. It's amazing to me that we've known each other that long. I still have your default ring tone from my old phone ringing in my ears. I can still feel the effects on my heartbeat as it raced beyond control. You're the one person whom I can be terrified to be with, while also completely and utterly in love with--wishing we were together. Being with you would be the best dream come true, while also the scariest nightmare. You mean more to me than anyone in the entire world and it's a shame you will never know. I never did a good job of showing it, of course. I don't have any excuses...just regrets; that I never told you how I felt...Every day as I felt it. No matter who has occupied my time over the years--You have been the only thing on my mind. You're the one person whose opinion matters most. This is what terrifies me the most; because you could kill me with what you say. You could break me down into nothing more than anyone else in the world. Some days, I'll just lie in bed and remember everything that made me fall for you...everything that kept me in love with you. There were times when I was screaming for help from you--Only wishing you could hear it over the lies I told you. I can't tell you how many times I convinced myself that I would never be good enough for you; that I would never deserve you. I always took the easy way out--When I should have taken the path that would have leaded me to you. I can remember anything about you, any memories, like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make all the right choices for once...Choose you. You were always too good to be true. I think you always will be. It always baffled me how any girl could break your heart...and then, I did it. Not once. Not twice. Not even three times; But multiple times. Being vulnerable to you terrified me...more than you will ever know. You were never the easy way out...you were the worthwhile route. Everything worth doing/having in life takes time and effort. Sometimes it scares me so much that I still love you more than anything and anyone. And even though I know I'll never be able to go back and rewind...it still feels good to be able to care so deeply about someone, even if the feeling isn't returned. You were perfect. It sounds cheesy, but when I look at you, I see perfection. I could have given you the world, and instead, I threw everything in your face, countless times. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the person I was. Of the person I have become. Fate has always brought you back in my life. But I know that after so many times screwing with fate's plan--I'll never get another chance. It feels good to write all this down. I don't ever talk to anyone about it. It's harder to get over than you think. You're harder to get over. Maybe I will someday--Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll simply fill my time up with replacements that could never even compare. All I know is I love you and always have. I guess I have a really fucked up way of showing it. You really were the best thing to ever happen to me; my guardian angel; my miracle. I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I love you.

Edited to add all blog posts pertaining to Gunnar:

You Were Always the One

The Truth When it Matters Most

Hide & Seek // Scratched Out

You

And We Were Dancing

TBT-Remembering the One Person I Can't Ever Forget

I Can Be Your John Cusak

You

To All the Boys I've Loved Before (The Real Life Version)

Two Truths & a Lie