The Many Faces of Love

At the same time I published Madalynne & Parker, I also decided I was ready to publish my non-fiction novel, The Many Faces of Love. It was a novel I began writing over five years ago in an attempt to bring closure to my past relationships. It is written completely different than anything else I have done in the past because it also includes my real life journals, emails, and letters to these young men and vice versa.

Shortly after I finished the novel, I sent out copies of each chapter to the guys I was still in contact with or on good terms. I even approached one of them before I wrote his chapter asking if I could use his journal entry off his blog and he said yes.

Right before I self-published I decided to change all the names in my novel except for my own. For legal purposes of course, in case any of the guys want to sue me for anything I've written. I have such a strong personal connection to the work, I don't know that I'll ever be able to pull myself apart from it enough to see if it is worthy of reading.

Check out this excerpt from the beginning of the book:

My name is Krista Pakseresht. I have no middle name because Iranians don't believe in it. I’m barely 27, and yet, I feel as though I have gone through more trials and hurdles than any young female in this world. In my 27 years of life I have loved, I have lost, I have hurt, I have bled, I have shed tears of pain, I have shed tears of joy, I have been completely happy, I have been completely broken. I think I have felt every emotion a single person can. I've been through addictions, and I've conquered them. I've been through physical, mental, and verbal abusive relationships, and I've escaped. I've been through my parents’ divorce, and was fine. I've been cheated on, and survived. I've looked death in the face, and walked out with not even a scratch. I feel as though I am one independently strong woman. I know I am worth something to this world and the people around me, for once in my life. I no longer have to question people's feelings about me. For once in my life, I am content with who I am and excited about what the future holds.

I think a lot about my past. The people I chose to surround myself with, the failing relationships I learned from. I wonder about what these people learned from me, or if they even did. I do not regret a single decision I’ve made, because if not for those decisions, I would not be who I am today. I would not be happy.

This book is a compilation of my past relationships. To show you a little of where I came from, and where I am today. It will give you a glimpse into all of the horrible decisions I made, while also all of the amazing ones. I think, it will help the world better understand me. I have loved many people in my years, and I have been hurt by many of those loves. This for me is closure. I am writing this book so I can close the door on my past and open the door wide to my future. So, hello my future! Goodbye to my past.

I'm nervous about making myself so vulnerable, but also anxious to see what people think. I need to develop a marketing plan. 

Great news for Madalynne & Parker!

I finished re-writing M&P at the begining of the summer, but only recently began fishing it to Beta readers to see what they thought. I sent out 4-5 copies of the novella, and only received 1 follow up in the six days. A really prompt, professional, sincere lady by the name of Cassie Rhodes returned my novella with feedback first. And for only my second beta read ever, it went better than I could have expected. 

Here are some of the pluses from her read:
+She loved the names of the main characters
+It was an easy, refreshing read with little to no spelling/grammatical errors
+She rooted for M&P to work out

Here are her constructive notes:
-The novella just plunges you in without a back story
-The flow might be better with alternating chapters
-Madalynne was not a strong female lead, so she had trouble connecting with her

I was so happy to get a fresh perspective on my writing. I have always worried that alternating chapters would be too repetitive, but after taking her advice, I implemented it, and the story flows much better! I also wrote a prologue to give a little reasoning why Madalynne feels the need to lean on everyone for support. And I even wrote a bit more to the ending and am so excited because it is going to lead into the second Novella for this series. I'm going to have to brainstorm a name for the trilogy. 

Check out the awesome new Prologue:

Prologue

.

Madalynne

                There was never a doubt in my mind that Parker and I were soul mates. No one had ever made me feel the way he did, and I didn’t want them to. When my father had the affair, I felt like my world was caving in on me. I was terrified I was going to lose my family. Parker was the only person I could lean on, the only person I could talk to about my feelings. He brought me out of my depression. He helped me see the light again.

Parker

                She was the girl of my dreams. It was the most amazing feeling in the world getting to be in love with your best friend. Madalynne was unlike any other girl I had come upon. She was in a league of her own. When Bo passed I slipped into a deep depression, and even though I pushed Madalynne away at every turn, she never gave up on me. I owed her my life, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life making her happy.

If you would like to purchase Madalynne & Parker in ebook form, it is at the affordable price of .99 cents currently! Just click this link! : http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E06FA0A

Self Aware & Self Obsessed

So I have this issue with myself. Actually, it's something that I've been dealing with my entire life. I know I'm destined for bigger or better things, but I'm not always sure the world knows that. I live in my head. It's become a safe zone for me throughout the years. But that also means I have skewed ideas of how amazing I actually am. Or so I think.

My entire life I've been told I'm selfish or self centered. My friends, my family, even my exes. Everything was always about me. My way or the highway. And I'm a Taurus, so add stubborn to that mixture. My old boss at Wells Fargo even made a sign that he taped to my desk that read, "It's All About Krista", my co-workers even made a song up to go along with it. I always thought they were joking. I never understood that there was truth to what they sang.

Being on my own and living in Portland for so many years, I have come to understand what they really meant. And even appreciate the fact that my family and friends were willing to stick by me through that phase in my life, because it was a long one. 

I've become more humble over the years, but I still live in my head 60% of the time. And I still think I'm fabulous and destined for greatness. There are so many things I am passionate about and love doing that I'm going to be able to find fulfillment out of when I move to Vegas. I am incredibly anxious and excited for the opportunities that await me!

Is this really my life???

I've been itching to write. And so that's exactly what I have been doing the past year. Writing, constantly. Lyrics, novels, etc. This year has been the most incredible year for me. I don't even know where to begin really...So I guess I'll just start with what I can remember.

In the fall of last year, finally after years away, I was able to return to college. I quit working my soul-sucking job at Netflix and was able to find the time. I took some amazing courses. Ones that renewed my faith in my talents. 

I took an introductory psych class and for my final I had to get up in front of the class and sing a song I wrote. It was nerve wracking. I mean, I always knew I was talented, but I guess I just assumed people didn't like my voice or me as a person, even. The song ended and people were actually clapping, excitedly. My teacher kept sneaking me supportive glances; I knew I had killed it. Before I left class that day, five separate people stopped me to compliment my voice or my song; I was flying on cloud nine. The following class I had five more additional classmates approach me and compliment me. My teacher expressed extreme delight multiple times throughout the next few classes and even in a glowing review she wrote on my final.

The following term I signed up for a film class that paired aspiring directors with aspiring actors for film acting. Most of the term was spent on radio and commercial bits. But at the very end of it, we had our final scenes and I was so impressed with myself when I was the only actor who shed a tear on camera. I learned so much from Barry Hunt throughout my classes with him. Now I know what to expect when going into film acting. And I know I have what it takes.

The financial aid I was approved for was very minimal and only a loan, therefore I have been supplementing my income with two part time jobs on top of going to school full time. But it has gotten very difficult, because I developed a chronic illness. And I'm going to do something that barely anyone does with my illness; I'm going to talk about it.

I began noticing problems when I felt like I was dying after work; literally feeling like my stomach was eating itself alive. I would rapidly pick a fast food drive thru and order food, only to feel nauseous two bites in. It seemed like everything I ate went through me faster than a hose. Weight began to melt off my body. A couple of pounds at a time. Then, I became groggy and fatigued almost 100% of the time. I couldn't function without caffeine, but it was not settling well with my stomach. And nothing I ate, and I mean that honestly, made me feel better.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's. And it turned my life upside down. I lost over 50 pounds in two months, I had no insurance, no medication, and I was still having to face my normal routine, everyday.

When summer finally hit and an opportunity arose to get outta dodge, I took it with no hesitation. What was there to lose? No school and minimum wage jobs that don't make me happy anyways. So I am packing up my life, or what will be left of it by then...mainly clothes...my laptop, me---and I am moving to Las Vegas. I have been given an opportunity to work for my best friend, Thien-nga Palmer at her entertainment company, T Music Entertainment Group.

An amazing thing happened when I was diagnosed/when I decided to move; My father paid off all of my credit card debt. He handed me a $5000 check without a second glance. Who does that happen to? I am very privileged to have a father who can help me out financially.

So there is this girl, Amanda Hocking. I came across her website when I read a book review a blogger had done on one of her titles, "Switched". This girl is only two years older than me. She first self-published "Switched" in 2010--It only took three years for her life to change drastically for the better...and now she gets to do what she loves everyday, all day. I've been writing my entire life. If she can do it; I can do it. 

I am so excited what the future holds with acting, singing, writing for me...I recently self-published two of my novels, Madalynne & Parker and The Many Faces of Love. I'm intrigued to see how they will do!

Hide & Seek//Scratched Out

I heard our song the other day. One of only 2 songs in the world that could remind me of you. It wasn't expected, but surprised me on shuffle. Imogen Heap's voice always takes me back. Back to the days of endless phone calls, back to the days of butterflies. 

I haven't thought of you in almost 2 years. I think back to my archives on here and when I never thought I would ever be over you. How many relationships came and went and how my feelings for you never wavered.

You are long since married and have a daughter, I'm told. You really did amazing for yourself, you know that? I'm so proud of you and I'm sure you are happy beyond words. You always told me I would amount to nothing and I was worthless. You were right.

Untangle Me

I took a long break from posting on here. But haven't stopped writing in general. Still writing books and lyrics. 

My birthday came and went. I am now 26 years old. I am still living in Portland, I have been here now for a year and a half. Time really does fly. Before I know it, it is going to be my 10 year reunion for high school. I hope by then I have something to show for myself. A career, a new look, a new love, etc. 

I've been thinking lately that maybe Portland isn't what I need now. I came, I saw, I conquered, but still don't have much to show for my time here. Yes, I have a full time job. But I hate it. Yes I have an apartment. But my roommate and I have nothing in common. Yes Jesse is up here with me. But Mimms is not. 

I am headed to Vegas on Friday to celebrate Jesse and My birthday(s). Thien-nga is going to try to convince me to move there when I visit. Vegas would be the best and worst thing for me. The only reason I would ever make such a drastic bold change is if it would benefit my life goals in the long run. Who knows. I am willing to hear her out. 

I am rewriting Madalynne & Parker. So far this is the best rewrite yet. I am pretty stoked on it and when I do finish it I would really like to pursue getting it published. It is terribly difficult to rewrite a book, don't know how many people have done it. But I figure it's kind of like a rough draft essay, which you have to go through and fix errors to come out with the best paper. Although instead of changing sentences and fixing grammar and spelling errors I am rewriting the entire concept. I have really been enjoying it and from what I've heard it is turning out to be well worth it.

I think I am going to enter the ISC competition. I don't have a band, so I can't enter any of the categories except for the lyrics only category. I have a few that I am trying to decide between, but I think I really have a chance. Hoping to get a few opinions on which one I should submit before entering, however.

Things I'll Never Say

I think about you every second of every day.
I've been thinking about you non-stop for 15 days shy of a year straight.
I've been in denial, and played it cool...but you haunt me daily.
You did such horrible things to me, and put me through such pain.
You would think I would love to be rid of you.
But I can't imagine a day without seeing your picture or reading old emails, comments, letters, or remembering old memories.
I have never loved someone so much, wholeheartedly.
I don't know that I ever will again.
It hurts more than the deepest cut to see that you have moved on.
To see how quickly you were yet again, engaged.
To see you call her "Butter Bean".
You know that was our thing.
You know that is what I used to call you.
It makes me sick to my stomach knowing you might do "our things" with her.
Squeezing her hand twice to say you love her.
Holding her hand while she drives.
Calling her "Bubs".
When did things become so fucked up?
I wonder if you ever think about me.
I wonder if she even compares.
With my luck, she outshines me.
I haven't cried about you in a long time.
My tears are have long since dried up.
And my heart is not broken anymore.
But it is definitely empty.
I loved you with everything I had to give.
You gave me up in a matter of hours.
I thought we were forever.
Boy was I wrong.
I don't know that I will ever be able to open myself so completely for love again.
There is a lock around my heart.
And I've swallowed the key.
I don't ever want to feel the pain you put me through, ever again.
I'd rather die.
Just answer me one question, was it worth it?

Damned if I do (Damned if I don't)

There's something missing in my life.
Hunger.
That hunger that keeps me moving until I reach my goal.
It's missing in every aspect in my life.
I used to have this deep thirst/hunger to be loved.
I don't know when I realized this, but I don't need someone to complete me.
I am whole.
Who knows when I picked all my pieces up, dusted them off, and put them back together.
I had no idea I was me again.

I've always known I was a strong person.
If I want something I go for it full force.
But I've lost that passion.
I have lost my zest for life.
I go through the days, routines, schedules.
It's always the same.
I need something to shake up the ordinary.

I need that fight again.
I long for that hunger, again.
But I think the fact that I won't settle changes everything.
I know what I am worth.
I'm making decisions that could potentially hurt others, and shrugging it off.

I wonder if I have somehow lost my caring heart.
I am only worried about myself and my needs.
Essentially, I have become a selfish person.
I just want that spark again.
I want to feel the butterflies.
I want to feel that deep longing.

I pushed away someone who I could have seen a future with.
Without a second thought.
Why?
I justify it with petty reasons...but the real answer?
I didn't feel it.
When his lips touched mine, there were no fireworks, no butterflies, nothing.
Just two attractive people kissing.

I wonder if my heart is closed off.
Like maybe after I put it back together, it was also locked away for good.
I feel emotionless.
I just want to feel something.
Anything.

Kiss Me--Kill Me.

You killed me.

The Heart Wants What It Wants

I am so excited for the future.
I get anxious even now, with 10 months ahead of me.
I'm in no means excited to be away from him.
What I'm excited about is our future together.
Portland is so intriguing.
6 months of freedom, seems impossible.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to get his new car.
I can't wait to rent our house.
I can't wait to explore Portland.

6-7 years ago I was in a singing group with my best friend Thien-nga.
She moved to California, and we broke up.
Now, she is in New York...chasing her dreams.
I gave up my dreams for stupid exes.
When I get to Portland, I am going to start re-claiming my dreams.
I want to start a new band, and get Scene Greg rolling again, and write again.
I miss writing songs, poems, and novels.
I miss creativity.

I am so tired of the same old, same old.
Dull routines that are constantly on repeat.
Nothing is exciting anymore.
Nothing phases me.
I can't wait for the unknown.

I went through a phase of missing the past.
Missing old friendships.
Missing old memories.
I contacted old contacts.
And then I realized something.
There is a reason these people are not in my life now.
I believe everything in life happens for a reason.
So even though I missed them.
I'm better off.

I have some plans for myself.
Some goals.
Things I'd like to keep to myself.
And this time around, I plan on pushing myself to the limit.
And surpassing it.
I want to exceed expectations.
I want to blow everyone out of the water.
And I want him to be proud of me.
I have this theory that he will love me more if I succeed.
It's a ridiculous theory, I know...due to the fact he loves me more than life itself, now.

I refuse to be a statistic.
I want to be a role model.
I want to inspire.
And I won't give up until I do.

Boom Boom Pow

She doesn't deserve it.
She didn't deserve it the first time.
And right before her wedding nonetheless.
My heart goes out to my friend.
She deserves a smile.
She deserves happiness.
For once.

I love you Nicole.

The Truth...When It Matters Most

I would hate to say I told you so.
But I did.
I'm confused on my feelings at this point.
I mean, I'm kind of happy...
But sad that you are so depressed.
The thing that kills me....
Is YOU pushed me away.
You gave me up, for a life with her.
And even after all of that.
I still came back, and told you I'd be here for you.
I'd be here for you if you needed anyone to talk to.
And I will.
But I still think it's bullshit.
In a way I hope she sticks with her word...and doesn't come back to you.
And in another, I hope she does, because I want you to be happy.
I'm so confused about my emotions.
I've just stopped living in the past.
But it doesn't mean I don't remember it now and again.

And For You...
I can't say I don't envy her.
I can't say I don't wish I was her everyday of my life.
Getting to be everything to you.
Getting to fall asleep next to you.
And then wake up to you.
I don't talk about you much anymore.
I try to keep my feelings locked away inside.
What's the point in anyone knowing them anyways?
Nothing will ever change.
And plus, I actually like her.
I have no intention of ever trying to ruin anything between you two.
I see that you are happy.
I want you to be.
I never made you happy.
And I need to accept that.

I miss the old group(s).
I miss night beach trips.
I miss barbeque's.
I miss late night trips to the park.
And spooning parties.
I miss having a solid group of friends.
Jesse and I are going to start a new group.
And start to make new memories.
He needs the cheering up.
And I need the friendships.

Although I'm starting to understand life.
And although I'm starting to slowly regain my happiness...
I still feel as though I mean nothing to anyone.
I cannot name one person that my life has made a difference to.
I cannot name one person that would give up everything for me, as I would for them.
I feel alone in this world.
And my biggest fear is to die alone.

Sometimes the only way for me to feel better...
Is to let everything flow freely from my mind to my fingers.
And I feel a release.
Of everything I keep hidden away inside of me.
No one knows the real me.
I fear no one ever will.
I show people what I'm comfortable showing them.
But I trust no one.
I'm brutally honest...
But I keep my secrets close to me.
I wish I meant the world to at least one person.
For once in my life, I wish my life had meaning.
I'm terrified that I will never make that impact on anyones life, ever.
And that scares the shit outta me.
I just want my life to have meaning.
I want to have a meaning.

I'm tired of living in a fairy tale fake world.
I'm tired of living my life through my dreams.
No matter how many times I dream these scenarios...I can never go back and change them.
I need to permanently accept that.
No matter how many times I try to change the ending in my dreams...
That was never the ending in reality.
I've fucked up one too many times.
I'm not that person anymore.
And I'm never going to settle ever again.

So to You---I'm here, even though you hurt me beyond words in the past.
And to You---I love you, but we will never be again, and I accept that.
And to You---You're obviously over me, and already moved on...I need to do the same.
And to Me---I always said I would live life through my dreams because they were better than reality...but I cannot...no more, no way...reality is staring me in the face, TIME TO ACCEPT IT.

Baby, You Wouldn't Last A Minute On This Creek

Let's just stop,
drop everything,
(forget each other's names) forget each other's names,
And just walk away.

Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
we just walk away.

This is probably the best,
not to mention the worst idea,
that I have ever had.

Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
What do you say?

This is probably the best,
not to mention the worst idea,
that I have ever had.

We say what we feel,
Then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
We just walk away.

Let's just stop,
Drop everything,
Forget each other's names,
Can we please just walk away?
It could be...It could be...
Like we never knew each other at all.

Answer me!
All egos aside, what do you say?
All egos aside, what do you say?

Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
What do you say?

We say what we feel,
Then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
We just walk away.

This Shit Is Bananas

Update:

You're too stubborn to admit your mistake.
Or maybe you haven't even realized you've made one yet.
Either way, when you do realize...
When you do grow up...
It will be too late.
It's really sad too.
Because I showed you nothing but love.
But I guess that means nothing nowadays.


The celibate life has it's ups and downs.
It's regrets and follow throughs.
But in the end, I know it was the right decision.
Boys=The Past.
Men=The Future.
Although, I still can't but help to feel like I am going to die alone.


I'm depressed.
This is bad.
This is really bad.

You Were Always The *One*

You're the one person I can think about 24-7, non-stop. You're the one person I have thought about non-stop for the past 3 years. It's amazing to me that we've known each other that long. I still have your default ring tone from my old phone ringing in my ears. I can still feel the effects on my heartbeat as it raced beyond control. You're the one person whom I can be terrified to be with, while also completely and utterly in love with--wishing we were together. Being with you would be the best dream come true, while also the scariest nightmare. You mean more to me than anyone in the entire world and it's a shame you will never know. I never did a good job of showing it, of course. I don't have any excuses...just regrets. That I never told you how I felt...Everyday as I felt it. No matter who has occupied my time over the years--You have been the only thing on my mind. You're the one person who's opinion matters most. This is what terrifies me the most. Because you could kill me with what you say. You could break me down into nothing more than anyone else in the world. Some days, I'll just ly in bed and remember everything that made me fall for you...everything that kept me in love with you. There were times when I was screaming for help from you--Only wishing you could hear it over the lies I told you. I can't tell you how many times I convinced myself that I would never be good enough for you. That I would never deserve you. I always took the easy way out--When I should have taken the path that would have leaded me to you. I can remember anything about you, any memories, like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make all the right choices for once...Choose you. You were always too good to be true. I think you always will be. It always baffled me how any girl could break your heart...and then, I did it. Not once. Not twice. Not even three times. But multiple times. Being vulnerable to you terrified me...more than you will ever know. You were never the easy way out...you were the worthwhile route. Everything worth doing/having in life takes time and effort. Sometimes it scares me so much that I still love you more than anything and anyone. And even though I know I'll never be able to go back and rewind...it still feels good to be able to care so deeply about someone. Even if the feeling isn't returned. You were perfect. It sounds cheesy, but when I look at you, I see perfection. I could have given you the world, and instead, I threw everything in your face, countless times. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the person I was. Of the person I have become. Fate has always brought you back in my life. But I know that after so many times screwing with fate's plan--I'll never get another chance. It feels good to write all this down. I don't ever talk to anyone about it. It's harder to get over than you think. You're harder to get over. Maybe I will someday--Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll simply fill my time up with replacements that could never even compare. All I know is I love you and always have. I guess I have a really fucked up way of showing it. You really were the best thing to ever happen to me. My guardian angel. My miracle. I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I love you.

So.

It's been over 5 months, possibly even 6, but I still miss you. I miss your scent. I miss your voice. I miss your touch. I miss your cocky grin. But all in all, I just miss you.