Total Page views

Monday, November 05, 2018

Two Truths & a Lie

I don't know what you want me to say.
   Things have not been easy.
      How can I want something so damn bad and fall short every single time?
         Honest to God, all I want is someone to love me for me and me to do the same.
            It kills me that I can't find someone to appreciate me and the love I can give.
               There has to be some kind of attraction and chemistry, but I'm pretty flex from there.
                  I'm afraid I'm going to be alone forever.
                     I'm afraid no one is ever going to love me the way I want and need so badly.

                     I've been contacted by a couple of exes recently.
                  It wasn't the first time, and it definitely won't be the last.
              An apology I've been waiting years for was finally given and helped with needed closure.
          But when he contacted me, he threw my anxiety out of whack.
       I should be used to this by now...exes apologizing or telling me they regret past mistakes.
    Every single one of my exes has done it at some point or another.
 I made a lot of mistakes myself - I was young and immature back in the day.

The other contact was just as unexpected.
   Not that I haven't thought about him in the last few weeks, few months, few years. 
      He used to be my best friend, someone I could spend countless hours on the phone with.
         There were times we would call each other and just breathe, not even talk.
            He asked how we could go from something so great to nothing.
               I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger - I took a lot of things for granted...people.
                  When he contacted me, it brought back the memories we've had.
                     I ended up writing a song about him shortly after called Doomed.
                        The lyrics are kind of sad actually, 'She's everything to you, I'll never be.."
                        Hopefully someday I will be everything to someone.
                     I've been single for so long, I'm not even sure what kind of a girlfriend I'd be.
                  What kind of a wife I'd be.
               But I definitely want the chance for either.
            Loneliness has not been the kindest to me this year.
         I'm so overdue on any kind of affection, it's incredible.
      Why do all guys my age on dating apps all want the same thing?
   Why do I have to be so damn unlovable?