Total Page views

Monday, August 24, 2020


It just sucks because we had something beautiful and you ripped it away. You threw a grenade, and there's no going back. 

I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I've never felt as connected immediately to anyone like I did with you. 

It's because in all of our lifetimes of finding each other, we are soulmates, we're just not meant to be and that's something I'm coming to realize. 

What you did to me was not a reflection of how you felt about me and honestly had nothing to do with you, or us or anything. It was a demon you were fighting inside of yourself. Something that you needed to get out. A pain that you needed people to hear. And it was hard for me to understand how you could treat the person that you love in the ways you did. I didn't realize that it was something you couldn't control. 

I didn't realize how sick you actually were, and I'm sorry for that. In my naivety, I exacerbated a lot of the issues between us because I didn't fully understand what I was dealing with, and that's my fault. 

Of course I wonder what if you didn't do this...would it pop up later on down the line? Were we just delaying the inevitable? What if you never threw everything away?

When it first happened, I was so broken. I just, tried to make sense of it in my head. I tried to make sense of why you would throw everything away. We had such a beautiful life. Why? And I guess that's something I'm going to have to come to terms with that I'll never understand fully what you were going through. I'll never really understand what trauma was going on in your head that caused you the need to do what you did. That may never compute. That's okay. I may never make sense of what you did, I just need to cope with it. And so this is my swift kick in the butt that this wasn't the life I wanted and the universe knew that. They intervened and told me they had something else in store for me. 

So thank you for that. Even after everything, I feel like there was a reason that this happened. It will be a really good learning lesson for me. There will be a lot of tears, there will be a lot of confusion, anger, hurt and sadness, but it's for the best. I need to work on myself. I need help. I need to talk to someone. It's time to work on me now.