Hell & High Water

It's been a long time since I've been on here. Since I've even thought of my blog. So much has happened and I don't even know where to start. 

I feel like I've been spiraling since my mom died, my footing never steady. All I've ever wanted to do was make her proud and I feel like I'm failing at that. 

It's been tough on me. This year that we are at the very end of has been one of my toughest ones I've been through. Apart from letting myself down, I feel like I'm letting everyone else down too. 

The roughest part for me is not having someone to go through life with. Someone consistent and a rock for me so when the stressors get to be too much they can help alleviate some of that. I've been going at this life alone for so long, I'm convinced that's what I'm destined for. 

I've let my writing and my social media presence fall by the wayside. I've been working on releasing an album for an entire year, and am still nowhere close to it. 

I'm perpetually tired. Depression-tired. I don't have a lot of want or excitement built around things anymore. 

This is the first year I couldn't afford to go home for Christmas OR buy ANY presents for anyone. I literally feel like the Grinch who Stole Christmas. 

I've been looking for a roommate for way too long and frankly losing hope. 

My car has literally been breaking down for over a year. I've put in over $4,000 into it and still it's not fixed. 

This entire post feels like a woah is me, but honestly, I'm just having a hard time mentally, life-ing. There isn't one thing going well in my life EXCEPT my cats...honestly, they are what keeps me going daily. 

Everyone keeps saying it's going to get better and to keep my head up...but at what point do you look your failures in the face and admit defeat?

I'm going to keep pushing and struggling and clawing my way through, because that's me. It's in my character. 

Happy Holidays I guess. 

All I Wanted

All I wanted was to feel important to you. Like a key player in your life. That was asking too much. Don't be surprised when you look back and realize you lost something you undervalued and underappreciated. I'm lost and broken, but I'll be fine. At the end of the day, it's just one foot in front of the other. 

Unwanted

You make me feel unimportant. 

Less than the bottom of the barrel.

Barely seen.

Just a passing thought. 

I remember when your excitement of seeing me was overwhelming. 

I remember how hungry you used to look at me.

How seen you used to make me feel.

But as time has passed, you push me away. 

You pick fights. 

You make me feel unloved and unheard. 

For so long all I've wanted is my partner in crime. 

But I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't see my worth. 

I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me.

It's so hard because I put my all into everything I do. 

Loving you was no exception. 

My world began to revolve around you, and I didn't really factor into yours. 

Your affection is different. 

The way you look at me has changed. 

And begging for you to give me attention leaves me feeling pathetic and unwanted. 

I'm not this girl and I refuse to be. 

I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

I just want somene who wants me just as much. 

Someone who doesn't think I'm asking too much when I ask for time, attention, or healthy communication. 

Your touch feels different. 

Your lips feel different. 

And I'm left feeling like I failed at life yet again. 

One more to add to the notches in my bedpost. 

Maybe I'm destined to be alone. 

Maybe this is something I need to accept.