House of Wolves

I feel like I blink and months go by. I could have sworn I updated this within the last 90 days, but turns out it's been five months! That is actually wild to think.

Nothing much to update on except I miss Vegas terribly. I am still single, incredibly lonely and jaded. And I'm unsure if anyone reads this anymore. Lol. 

I miss writing. I miss recording. I miss singing. I miss the creative side of me. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time and do things so much better. Make better decisions for my future. We all make mistakes though and I'll continue making them, I'm sure. I'm only human after all. 

I just found out that I lost a dear friend today. One I've featured on multiple songs of mine. Such a creative in his own right. He was so freaking talented. The idea that he's gone forever is tearing me up inside. 

My exes have been reaching out again. No surprise there. The two most recent. The two that hurt me arguably the most. The two that left me with crazy PTSD. Tigers can't change their stripes...I'm always cautious. 

In a perfect world, I would find my partner in crime and be able to do what I love on a daily basis. I've been taking care of myself for so long, I'm exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever come a time when I'll get to enjoy the life I'm living. 

Surprise, Surprise - I'm alive.

It's been years so it felt like an update was in order. Life started life-ing and updating this fell by the wayside. 

My mom has been gone now for 5 years almost. When I look back, I wonder how time flew by so quickly. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed her. That I haven't wanted to call her and talk to her about everything going on. 

I also haven't released any new books since 2022. I've been slowly writing for years, but music was my focus for many years after she passed and I let writing take a back seat. It's rough because I do miss it. I do miss the community I built. And these people are still there, still silently rooting me on. But now I worry that anything I come out with won't be better than what I've released in the past and I can't take the idea of disappointing anyone. That is hard to get over. 

For anyone still stalking my blog, I'm alive. I'm okay. Still trying my best to master this thing called life...still falling short most of the time. 

I am still in a tremendous amount of debt which affects so much of my life. I'm a prisoner to two jobs still and frequently end up working more than 70 hours a week. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I can't wait until the day when my debt is finally paid off and I can stop working so god damn hard. 

I'm the biggest I've ever been. I think it is mostly because I'm confined to a desk or chair for my two jobs and when I finally have downtime I'm so exhausted I can't imagine doing much else or it's too late for me to go to the gym. One of the perks of my job is free gym use, but I have only utilized that a handful of times since I started. As you can imagine, this has brought on it's own bout of insecurities. But at some point, I can't be full of excuses. I need to be full of action. 

So I just turned 40 years old. I own a house with my two siblings, but I can't live in said house. I am in thousands of dollars of tax debt...chipping away at it little by little monthly. I have an exorbanent amount of credit card debt. I still have an extensive amount of school loans I'm paying off. I have a 401k again after so many years without one and I'm only contributing a mere 2% until I can afford to do more. I will have a match from the company in a few months so at least there is that. I definitely am failing at this game called life. 

All of this to say that I'm vowing right here and right now that I'm going to be out of this debt hole within 5 years. I am going to pay off and cancel multiple credit cards, I'm going to pay off my tax debt, and hopefully not still be working my second job by then. My goal is by 45, I want to be working 1 job and 1 job only. Of course my ultimate dream has always been to write full time. That is going to take a lot of work and energy. And I'm willing to do it, but I need to be more dilligent. 

I have been single now for almost two years. I am super lonely and pretty convinced my person doesn't exist. Or karma is really having a field day with me. In any case, I don't have kids and I don't have a partner so my biggest fear may materialize in 20 some years and I may just end up dying alone. I hope I'm wrong, but I've been looking for my person for so long I'm pretty sure fate just wants me to be depressed and alone. 

This all sounds like a woe is me post but I promise it's not that. It's just that I've had to become comfortable with the uncomfortable. And you know what? I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job at it. 

Hell & High Water

It's been a long time since I've been on here. Since I've even thought of my blog. So much has happened and I don't even know where to start. 

I feel like I've been spiraling since my mom died, my footing never steady. All I've ever wanted to do was make her proud and I feel like I'm failing at that. 

It's been tough on me. This year that we are at the very end of has been one of my toughest ones I've been through. Apart from letting myself down, I feel like I'm letting everyone else down too. 

The roughest part for me is not having someone to go through life with. Someone consistent and a rock for me so when the stressors get to be too much they can help alleviate some of that. I've been going at this life alone for so long, I'm convinced that's what I'm destined for. 

I've let my writing and my social media presence fall by the wayside. I've been working on releasing an album for an entire year, and am still nowhere close to it. 

I'm perpetually tired. Depression-tired. I don't have a lot of want or excitement built around things anymore. 

This is the first year I couldn't afford to go home for Christmas OR buy ANY presents for anyone. I literally feel like the Grinch who Stole Christmas. 

I've been looking for a roommate for way too long and frankly losing hope. 

My car has literally been breaking down for over a year. I've put in over $4,000 into it and still it's not fixed. 

This entire post feels like a woah is me, but honestly, I'm just having a hard time mentally, life-ing. There isn't one thing going well in my life EXCEPT my cats...honestly, they are what keeps me going daily. 

Everyone keeps saying it's going to get better and to keep my head up...but at what point do you look your failures in the face and admit defeat?

I'm going to keep pushing and struggling and clawing my way through, because that's me. It's in my character. 

Happy Holidays I guess. 

All I Wanted

All I wanted was to feel important to you. Like a key player in your life. That was asking too much. Don't be surprised when you look back and realize you lost something you undervalued and underappreciated. I'm lost and broken, but I'll be fine. At the end of the day, it's just one foot in front of the other. 

Unwanted

You make me feel unimportant. 

Less than the bottom of the barrel.

Barely seen.

Just a passing thought. 

I remember when your excitement of seeing me was overwhelming. 

I remember how hungry you used to look at me.

How seen you used to make me feel.

But as time has passed, you push me away. 

You pick fights. 

You make me feel unloved and unheard. 

For so long all I've wanted is my partner in crime. 

But I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't see my worth. 

I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me.

It's so hard because I put my all into everything I do. 

Loving you was no exception. 

My world began to revolve around you, and I didn't really factor into yours. 

Your affection is different. 

The way you look at me has changed. 

And begging for you to give me attention leaves me feeling pathetic and unwanted. 

I'm not this girl and I refuse to be. 

I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

I just want somene who wants me just as much. 

Someone who doesn't think I'm asking too much when I ask for time, attention, or healthy communication. 

Your touch feels different. 

Your lips feel different. 

And I'm left feeling like I failed at life yet again. 

One more to add to the notches in my bedpost. 

Maybe I'm destined to be alone. 

Maybe this is something I need to accept. 

Falling Out Part Deux

I'm training myself how to fall out of love with you. 

You see, because when I fall, I fall hard. 

I love with my entire being, my entire heart. 

It's unexpected, but everything happens for a reason. 

It's not okay now, but it will be. 

I lost sight of myself a little loving you, but my focus is returning. 

The love I had for you is now being filtered back through me, because self-love is most important now.

Heartbroken is never a state I want to remain in long. 

I just have to stay vigilant that what's meant to be will be and the rest of the chips will fall where they may. 

Haunted

I'm jaded, pieced together jaggedly, haphazardly. 

My past haunts me like a blanket, wrapping me in the coldest of embraces. 

Some days I feel whole, as if I'm not held together by a thin wire. 

Others my mask falls and I'm left feeling like the fraud that I am. 

A broken doll hiding behind the facade. 

He holds the power to destroy me, and it's both beautiful and terrifying. 

What is to say he will want to protect my heart with the same tenacity I do?

Her.

It's hard because some days I only want to speak to you. 
I only want to hear you scold me or tell me you're disappointed in me. 

It's something I need, almost like the air I breathe. 

You were my best friend, confidant, and never afraid to speak your mind on my life and choices. 

I feel like I've been spiraling since I lost you.

Some days, it feels like I can find my way again, others I feel hopeless. 

All I can hope is that you're with me no matter what. 

Through good and bad, through thick and thin. 

Don't agree with me, but love me anyway.

These used to be my little secrets, and now they're ours. 

I won't be a disappoinment forever, I promise. 

At some point this lost stray will find her way again. 

Don't lose faith in me. 

If this isn't the end, then I'm not quitting.