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Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Sad Tomorrows

 It's been a year. 

They say bad things come in threes, and after this year, I'm hoping that was the last of it. 

The traumatic end of my relationship. My mom's passing. My broken ankle. 

I'm unsure how much more I can take. 

I am super thankful and appreciative that with everything that's happened, I've been surrounded by family and love when I needed it most. 

I spent the beginning of the year being a broken shell of a person. It took a lot of counseling and a lot of self-work to be able to put back the broken pieces. I remember being so depressed thinking I would never get through it. I would never feel normal again. 

Losing my mom was the worst thing I've ever been through. It just goes to show when you think you can't take anymore, life piles it on showing you how strong you truly are. I miss her every single day. I want to talk to her all the time. With the holidays here, it's been difficult. I just hope she's looking down on me and proud of who I am. 

I broke my ankle on Thanksgiving. The trifecta should be complete. Going from a super independent human being to having to burden and rely on others for nearly everything has not been easy or simple for me. My poor 90+ year old grandma has been taking care of me. She's 60 years older than me and it makes me feel bad every single day. I'm just grateful for the time I'm getting to spend with her. With how old she is, none of us know how much longer she will be around, so I'm soaking up the time and attention. 

I'm still working on my brand and hoping that one day I will be able to work for myself. That one day my words will touch enough people that what I love doing will get to be a part of my every day life. My mom told me to never give up, and to be successful for her, and that's what I plan to do. 

Leaving Vegas in such a hurry was a lot on me. I held a lot of resentment and sadness for having to leave my friends and my Vegas family behind when I wasn't fully ready. I'm hoping that going back will restore that piece of my heart for me. I'm a much different person than the one that left, but I know that I still have a lot more growth to go. 

I haven't dated anyone since that fateful night. Partly because I needed to focus on me, partly because I wasn't ready, and partly because I'm scared. Someday I'll be ready to put myself out there again, and hopefully I won't be single forever. Hopefully there will be someone out there who will love me for me. 

At the end of the day, I'm not giving up. I'm going to continue to push away the dream killers and go full force toward what I love because it's what makes me happy. It's what fulfills me. No one can tell you what is right for you, you need to figure that out on your own. So I'm 35 and have no retirement. So I'm 35 and unmarried. So I'm 35 without children. So I'm 35 and still unsuccessful in many people's eyes. But I'm me and this is my path, no one else's. I've done so many things I can look back on with fondness and being proud of. This is my life to live and I'm going to live it for ME. 

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